Me inThree Persons

First

I am a 21 year old female creeping her way towards 40. To really tell you who I am and where I come from would be a tedious time line from 1986 that I really feel you could do without. Not that those past events in my life haven't helped to shape and mold me to the independent, headstrong young woman I am today, it's just that it's tedious! Who wants to sit here and read the story of my life when for the first 12 years it goes : 1989 parents divorced and we moved to Maine; 1994 relocated to the Ozarks etc. etc. etc. To say the least it was a nomadic childhood and before you ask, No, I am not the product of a military childhood. It's more like a mother who had kids young and was growing as we grew. See I was the child of a child. Yes, my mother was legal age when I was born, but she sure wasn't when Aide was. Aide arrived when my mom was just beginning her journey to adulthood. I am sure she was very scared and felt incredibly alone. I am just glad that she had the wonderful aid of my tia to help her. Tia is aunt in Spanish. To make growing up even more confusing besides the constant relocation I was also struggling with my identity. I am considered Mexican-American. My mother had spent nine years being groomed in the Hispanic culture. She tried to raise us to the best of my father's family's expectations, but being cut off from them in the divorce made it very difficult. Even now when I look upon her I see the regret in her eyes. Regret that we aren't fully entrenched in that lifestyle as she thinks we should. I do feel guilty that I no longer speak Spanish, but it couldn't be helped. She had to leave. Yes , the culture is beautiful and colorful but like everything it's a double edged sword. Had we stayed I would not be allowed the headstrong independence I love so much. Watching my mother struggle to provide for us painted a clear picture of what I never want for myself. It is the sole reason I push myself the way I do. I appreciate and cherish all the sacrifices she made throughout our lives, however, I know she did that so that I could succeed where she didn't. We grew up very, very frugally. Some would even consider it dirt poor. I never got a car on my 16th birthday, or help when college came around. I had to work and work hard for everything I have achieved today. Today, my life is considered droll by most of my peers. I work anywhere from forty to fifty hours per week. On top of my work schedule I have some how managed to squeeze in a full course load. I am insane, I know and yes I am very much aware of the failure rate among individuals who have come before me. My argument to those who predict my failure because of those who came before is that they were not ME. Yes, it has taken me three years instead of two to finish my associates degree, but to all of you who said I'd fail, I did not. To further my last laugh I have even been accepted into a very good school to finish what is left of my dream. In the fall of '08 I will start the next chapter of my life as a student of a 4 year college to obtain my bachelor's in accounting and my masters in business. I am realistic enough to know that this could take me at the very least another three years. I am hoping I can make out in the most 5. We shall see. I am sure that in reading this you have a somewhat idea as to the type of person I am. I do believe in growth and change so you will never really know me. To be perfectly honest, I have yet to fully know me either.

Second

You tried to sneak out this morning. I caught you. You were going to leave without so much as a goodbye. Just leave me with nothing but a cold empty space beside me. You didn't know, but I watched you stir awake. You laid there on your back just staring at the ceiling. It was five in the morning. I know you don't have to be to work for another three hours. You technically don't have to be up for another hour, but something woke you. I barely moved and watched you watch me. Your beautiful face looked so broken and alone. It was denial that forced me to stay pretending. I knew it was me. The thoughts that disturbed your slumber. It was all over me. I could feel your struggle. I pretended to inch closer. To subconsciously relate to you what I can't when we're awake. It was then I knew you were building your walls. The walls that I have spent months trying to breakdown, because at that moment that I had inched closer, you froze. Your hand rose to run through my hair. In that exact same manner as how I had fallen asleep in your arms the night before. I lay still waiting to feel the soft brush of your hands, but nothing happened. I peeked. I couldn't help myself and that's when I knew. You had erected your walls. They stood glaring at me solid as steel. You had dropped your hand and moved away from me. Then you did something you've never done. You slid out of the covers and crawled from bed. I heard the rustle of your clothes. Clothes that I had peeled away from your body the night before. Memories flashed, those chocolate eyes, that intoxicating smile that pulled my heart, and you. Just you. There is a fire and vibrancy that flows out of you. It's why even though I am no where near ready for what you need, I can't let you go. You have drugged me and for the first time, I can't let it go. I want to curse the heavens that has brought me you at a time when I can never fully have you. The most aggravating thing about you, is that even though you want me, you don't need me. Your not begging for my attention or harassing me for affection. You just state simply, you're what I want. That was it, and you've allowed me time to make a decision. I think though, my time is up. I laid there waiting with arrogance for you to wake me with your goodbye, but you were scrambling for something, I think your glasses. It was then that I knew. You weren't going to wake me , you weren't saying goodbye. You were done with me and because of the pain and turmoil I had put on you that you never once deserved. You weren't even going to do me the courtesy of goodbye. My ego was hurt, even if I understand your reasons. I am that much of an egotistical man this was new to me. The woman never sneaks away, I do. So I couldn't let you go thinking you would have left me alone to wake up in a cold bed. I snapped on the TV. and said there, now you have light. Did that spark regret or dismay in you? No, you simply said thanks and just like that walked out the door. Not only the door of my room, but my life. The regret that I carry in my heart haunts me day to day. I should have stopped you, but I didn't. It was at the moment when you shut the door that I realized. You may have been 20, but you were more of a woman than I could handle. The experience of you has changed me in ways you may never understand, and as I try to summon anger for the way you walked out. I can only summon gratitude and regret.

Third

She's confident, poised, and sophisticated. She has always carried herself in this assured, ready to take on the world manner. Looking at her, you would never find a weakness. It is not because she has none, it is because she guards herself that much. A look in her brown eyes shows a wisdom that takes you quite aback. I have watched her from the time she was born. It has been years now since I have been a physical presence in her life, but I let her know I am with her everyday. Watching her from above has given me the best advantage. My daughter had raised a truly wonderful girl. She has her demons. I watch them torment her day in and day out, but she is from my blood and we are survivors. Every morning as I watch her rise from her bed, leave her apartment, and drive her car to work I can feel nothing but pride. Look at all she has accomplished. She has blossomed beautifully into the woman she is now. Most young ladies at 21 are just that young ladies. Not her. At 21 she is completely her own independent woman. It simply amazes me all that she has overcome. Her motto truly is what doesn't kill her only makes her stronger. Strong she is. People may see her and assume that her heart is made from stone but that will never be the case. It is simple protected and rightfully so. Imagine being a child of six, and a twin to boot. An identity crisis she has struggled with her whole life. First to separate herself from the pack she calls her siblings, and then to spend the reminder screaming at the world that she is more than a TWIN! She is her own. It's funny how I see so much of what everyone else misses. The flash of annoyance that sparks in her eyes when she is referred to as one of the twins, or the girls. The mental meditation she reiterates over and over in her mind when she is dealing with something that truly vexes her. The agony that she battles with day in and day out. She is at a constant battle with herself. She watches her peers with envy and contempt. Imagine that kind of life for yourself. To envy those who are allowed the freedom of no responsibilities and in that same thought feel nothing but contempt because they refuse to grow up and take care of themselves. I know the truth. She really truly loves all she has become. It is not their lack of maturity, or their lack of responsibility she envies. It is their freedom that they have and her contempt stems from their lack of gratitude for it. Oh, she is a strong one. She has self esteem issues much like most woman, however, she refuses to let that negativity rule her. Sure some may consider her plus size. She thinks of it as voluptuous, and healthy. She may not always see beautiful but she makes sure to feel it. I see her mind twirl with philosophical reasoning that always puts her at ease. What is ugly to some is beauty to another. So the captain of the football team doesn't beg for her attention, who said she wanted his? She has learned at a very young age, that life isn't about what society dictates for you, it's about what you dictate for yourself. She is a firm believer that she controls her own fate. She in the end will have no one but herself to blame should her life end in a way that is unpleasing to her. But for her, failure is not an option. If in this, the only thing you know about her is her strength, than you know more than most.