Week 5 Theme

My mom use to tell me growing up that bad things happen to give you strength and that the good things are God's rewards. I have grown up and much to my mother's dismay am not 100 percent I believe in the "Christian God". But she is right in a sense, it all comes down to Karma.

In high school I had a very tight group of friends. Within our clique' was another tight circle that consisted of me, my twin, and our best friend Tommy. We were the center. Nothing went on unless the three of us were there or at least one of us. It was an amazing time full of quirky adventures that would have us laughing long after they were over. All the negativity I had bestowed on my mother during those years must have caught up with me because not long after we graduated our circle fell apart. It started with my friendship with Tommy. He had that February come out of the closet. Now everyone thinks they would be accepting and understanding, but it is a very very intense emotional experience that has you flip flopping from being okay and cool with the idea to being distraught and angry at the world. I always knew it would come to this. We all held on so tight because deep down we knew it would all end someday. I don't think it was the reality of his sexuality we had a hard time with it as it was all the lies and betrayals he forced on us because of his own selfish fear. After six years he couldn't even tell us face to face. It all broke down one night. He disappeared from a family function and lied to his parents saying he was with us when in fact he had taken off with a mutual friend who was openly gay. They spent the night together. If he wasn't gay why would he venture off with Steven instead of calling us ? He ignored me and my sister for three days after that. Everyone around us kept going its okay, all your questions would be answered soon. Everywhere I turned I was being patted on the back and given looks raked with pity. I was confused and becoming angrier by the minute. One of my biggest irritant is to be made to look like a fool. To have people talk behind their hands and whisper as I walk by. Finally a letter was left in my mailbox. After six years all I get a fucking letter. It was to both of us. In it he confessed his secret and pleaded forgiveness for the lies, the sneaking around and finally the fact that we were the last to know. He had confessed to the new group of people we had been partying with. That right there above all else hurt me the most. I had spent our entire friendship loving him, forgiving him, and defending him so when the day came that he exposed the truth to himself I'd be the one to be there again. But I wasn't. It was like he didn't trust me enough to open up to me. I loved him almost more than my own siblings. I sacrificed so much because I valued his friendship above all else, only to be betrayed in the worst possible way. He made a fool out of me. I defended him viciously up until the day he came out. People laughed behind my back at my naivety and unwaivering faith. I became one big joke. The best friend whose too blind to see what's in front of her face. Jessica and I called him. We told him we loved him and that we thought it was best he come over so we could talk. He came over and we cried, hugged, and yelled. After twenties minutes we all collapsed into giggles. It was like a slumber party. We spent the evening gushing and trading stories. Asking him what his taste in men were like and why. When did he finally know, how long had he been keeping it from us, we didn't want anymore secrets. I wanted to trust him again. Things looked sunny. Finally it was all out. I thought we were in the clear, that as friends we had surpassed one bitter obstacle. I wish that had been the case, but when they say nothing will change it is just one more lie to appease you. A lie to keep you happy and peaceful, because everything will change including them. It was in those next couple months that I realized he will never be the same. He had repressed the real him for so long it didn't matter that in the process of trying to find a middle ground he was shredding hearts along the way. My heart has never recovered from the loss of him. It was a bitter, hateful battle to acceptance, but I had made it there only to later find it wasn't enough. When the day came that he met that awful awful man, we shall call The Destroyer, we were finally on the road of rebuilding what his lies and sneaking around almost disintegrated. The Destroyer was threatened by the pull we had over what he had now deemed as his. My sister and I were in the way of the complete control a sick man like him needed. So he did as his nickname suggest. He destroyed us. He wanted out when he met The Destroyer. I loved him with everything inside of me so I had no other option, but to grant the request and remove myself from his life. It was the hardest thing in the world. To make the pain in my heart burn deep he let his lover torment me. I bowed out gracefully, but that wasn't how it was suppose to go. They craved drama and theatrics. Because I wanted to the bigger person and leave without a fight I was to be subjected almost daily to vicious text messages that tried to break me down. They would say horrible horrible things. Sending me message about how fat, ugly, and useless I was. This coming from a boy I had sheltered from the pain of hateful words and ignorant people. I was beside myself. Something wouldn't let me fight back, as much as I wanted to. I knew deep down he was just feeding off the fear of his lover, so I took them. Every slam, every thorn I let pierce my already fragile heart and I focused on perfecting me. For the first time in 18 years I thought only of me and my family. I kept my head held high and moved on. He never could. It wasn't enough. I hear these days he is still with The Destroyer. It makes me feel better sometimes that at least he truly did destroy me for love, however, I hear the relationship is not so bright and sunny. He is a captive of his own actions. Stuck with a man who he let run everyone out of his life. He now only has friends his lover has picked for him. What a waste to be freed of your own repression only to be oppressed by a man who you gave up everyone for.

I firmly believe that the way I had handled myself during that horrific life lesson is why karma has blessed me in the way that it has. I have wonderful new friends, who I may not trust 100 percent, but I am still pretty confident in their loyalties. I have a great job and am finding myself pulling pretty decent grades on top of everything else. His life is still stuck in that dark cloud of negativity. Find release from it and all the positive energies you put out will return to you once again, and when the bad ones come your way a little positive thinking can put you right.