He stood lingering in the door way. Almost like he expected a kiss goodbye. I've wanted him to get up and go since we finished 45 minutes ago. I shut the door in his face and walked to the living room. I dropped myself in the recliner and pulled the blanket over me. I flipped through the channels. Nothing was on Figures. Its always the way when you need to detach yourself from the mental chaos. I closed my eyes and the flood couldn't be stopped.
"Wow! We really need to meet more than once a month."
"Juan, you would say that."
"You don't think so?" He responds as he covers my face and shoulders with kisses.
"What are you doing? You're acting really weird." as I roll away from him.
"How am I acting weird?" This time he practically slid himself over me. Squeezing me tight.
"Your finally getting to see the relaxed me. The me without work and stress."
"You didn't work this week? What's up with that ?"
"I've been on vacation. We went to Disneyland."
"Whose we? You and Juan Jr.?" I turn myself over on the bed to face him. He doesn't lie so well this way.
He shifted his eyes and just shrugged. He tried to reach for me again and pull me closer. I just stayed far away and got up. I went into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror I see in my eyes his worst fear. I stay there for a few minutes hoping he realizes I'm done with him for this evening. As I walk back to the room, its dark. My eyes adjust as he pulls his pullover over his head. He's already dressed in his jeans. He grins at me and I sit myself on the edge of my bed. I sit there and I watch him as he watches me. He sits besides me. With his arm around me and his lips moving over my forehead to my hair and back to my cheek I feel the guilt build inside me.
Guilt for something I am not even sure is true. I hate him for this position he put me in. I hate myself for never being able to say no. I am torn between wanting to know the truth and just staying ignorant. I just stand and walk out of the door. My silent cue that its time for him to go. He lingers as he always does. I just stand by the door. Waiting for him to open it and walk out. He tries to kiss me and I make it short.
"Erin! What happened?"
"I am sorry what?"
"I've been asking you what happened for like two minutes. Why are you ignoring me!"
"Jess, I'm not! I must have dozed off. Nothing happened but the usual. He came, we do what we do and he left. End of story."
"That's not everything. Your acting all quiet and morose. Normally your in a great mood and full of energy."
"Well I think I am finally finished. I can't play dumb anymore. I'm worth more than number 2. Besides I have rules and standards that I follow. Just because I use to think I was in love with him doesn't excuse me letting him take advantage of that."
"Are you serious this time? Or will he around again in a month."
"Jessica, shut up. It hasn't been easy you know."
"Ahhh, Erin. I know hunnie. I know."
1 comment:
This has week 11 stamped all over it, darting back and forth between thoughts, feelings, actions; the 'big' stuff all being a daydream; the sudden jerk into the present--all fine distancing techniques.
Technical point--put the past stuff, the stuff Erin is remembering in italics, then when the shift is made, make it into a standard type font. Pleasssssse never give me one of those goofy fonts again...
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